So I suppose it is just another phase. To want to recede from everything and totally take a different course in life. This summer I plan to pack many of my things and give them to my mother. She can keep them or sell them. She seems to want to hold onto them, but I do not. My body is tired and although I do not wish to leave this world anytime soon, it is weary from the material confines of it. Since I feel there is some purpose here for me to complete, my only option left is to try to alleviate the feelings I have. Perhaps if I do this, I can better see my life and what it is I came here to do. It has become very frustrating of late that my physical body is having one major difficulty after another forcing me to spend less time on the things I most enjoy.
I realize how different I truly was as a child. Peer pressure was almost non-existant. I was handed a joint on three occasions and passed it on without a second thought. And I always seem to be there when someone needs to cry. Although I am happy to help people, it is draining me to the point of emotional exhaustion. I have tried to meditate and block and although it helps, it does not stop it. Lately I have not being doing it--which I know I should. I shall have to start again as I am finding I am short with people who are lazy or lack common sense. I seem to have little tolerance of the petty bullshit that goes on in most of the lives around me. It's amazing what I don't know that's going on, or the things that should bother me that don't. Someone being upset because of a break-up doesn't bother me, but the mother who is a bitch to me and has a mentally disabled child makes me want to cry. Not necessarily because she hurt my feelings, but more because I think as I walk back to the kitchen how much pain she is in. Both are experiencing pain, so why is it one bothers me more than the other. Suffering is suffering.
Somehow I am attracting a negativity to me that I do not like, but I am unsure how to fix it. I have an overwhelming feeling of being alone and although I don't think about it much, it's always there. I'm not really lonely, but I'm not really happy either. Some days I want to just cry, but no tears come. It is like I can cry for others, but not myself. It is like I have nothing to cry for. I know I will be okay and that is enough, but at the same time why can't I be happy with that? What is it that I am missing inside myself that is preventing me from truly accepting happiness? Anymore I'm too tired to think on much of anything save what has to be done. This isn't the life I came here to live and this isn't the life I want to lead. I am trying to change it, bit by bit but the problem is I don't really know where I'm going.
I feel myself moving to new friends and losing interest in old ones. I'm not quite sure what to think as I know it is part of a process but at the same time it is unsettling to me. I feel as if I'm missing someone, but I don't know who. I suppose a feeling of things making sense can't last forever...in order to grow we must continue to go forth and change. Still, did I have to choose to have so many changes at once? And why do I feel I am mourning something? *sigh* It could always be worse...
Posted at 12:10 am by akikodomo
Welcome to Autumn Dreams. Here is where you can discuss all things spiritual. Please remember to be respectful. Everyone has different views and that is what makes life so colorful and magical.
